Author: Ashley E.
It’s a never ending conversation when it comes to a woman not being able to find a good man; more specifically a black woman trying to find a good black man. Based on the statistics that are constantly being forced down our throats, most black men are incarcerated, homosexual, not interested in black women, or just not worth dating. Not to mention the single fact alone that women outnumber men. From talking to several single black women it seems that when you wean out the men that don’t fall into those above categories, most of the good ones are already taken and the ones remaining worth dating are slim to none.
Tv shows like Being Mary Jane display women so desperate to find a man that they settle for being side chicks and even going so far as to steal sperm to get pregnant. A few months ago Yasmin Eleby, a woman from Houston, TX made headlines when she decided to marry herself because she was still single at the age of 40. The struggle seems to be real out here for the single women, but is it really a struggle or are good black men being overlooked daily due to women having unrealistic standards and expectations? I didn’t want to be bias so I got the opinions of a few black women and men to help me address this continuous topic.
The Male Perspective
How do you feel about black women saying there is a shortage of quality black men?
“I definitely understand the struggle of my sisters & their perspective of there being a shortage of quality black men. However, there are many black women who are quick to put a quality black man in the “friend’s zone” and pursue the one (or ones) who won’t give them with the love, respect & loyalty they deserve. I’ve been “friend zoned” a couple of times.” ~JI
“I don’t like hearing that, but it’s hard for me to take it personal (or even seriously) because I think if you ask 10 different women what a quality black man is, you’ll get 10 different answers. I assume this is in relation to the disproportionate rate that black women graduate from college over their male counterparts, and to that respect I guess it’s true. You can’t really argue with the numbers. But I don’t think you can dismiss a black man as “not quality” or whatever if he didn’t go to college, just like a degree doesn’t automatically make you a good catch. You want to be real about it, sometimes all a degree means is a whole lot of debt for both our quality black asses. And that’s not attractive to nobody.” ~JD
The Female Perspective
Do you feel that there is a shortage of quality black men?
“Sadly, yes there is a shortage of quality black men. Before I got married, yes I felt there was a shortage. Shortly before I met my husband, I had just accepted the fact that I was going to be single for a while. I even prepared myself mentally with the idea that I just might be single forever and never get married.” ~AW
“I don’t think there is a shortage and don’t believe in that. I met several good marriage material guys but wasted time on relationships I knew weren’t going anywhere but cut the good ones off over petty stuff. When I met my husband he was 28 working on his bachelors. He worked security at a club. My black friends were like don’t date him you are better than that and my white friends were like girl please he’s a great guy. Now he works as a financial analyst making more than some of my black friend’s husbands.” ~DG
It’s difficult to answer the question is there a shortage of good black men because it depends on what the woman defines as “good” or “quality”. It’s possible that great black men are being overlooked every day because of unrealistic standards and expectations held by black women. The phrase don’t be a nickel looking for a dime goes a long way so ask yourself are you a reflection of what you’re looking for? With all men regardless of race there are some decent ones and then there are some horrible ones, but if you keep attracting the wrong ones you might need to do a self-evaluation. I do feel that for some black women there is a loyalty to hold down the black man and because of that we have tunnel vision for ONLY black men which prevent us from being open to relationships with men of other races. Maybe one of the problems is that women don’t put themselves out there enough to meet a good black man. A man is not going to come wrapped in a pretty bow waiting for us to unwrap him so taking a little initiative by just smiling or saying hello could make a huge difference. From my personal experience I’ve met some great black men and some terrible ones but I will never let the negative experiences make me put all black men in the same box. I am a product of being raised by a good black man. I love black men and I want them to win especially now more than ever with them having it so hard in society.
I don’t think there is shortage of good Black men. I think we have high expectations and even though we know that the perfect man doesn’t exist, for reason we keep holding out for him anyway. Lol, and just like the gentlemen in your blog said, we friend zone a lot of good men. Not because we don’t think they’re good enough but I believe for us women we have the fear of losing that friend of it doesn’t work out. Men are more willing to take that risk. We also look past potential and go for them we take already ‘has it going on” and look over the man who’s striving for more than what he has right now. When I hire new employees I always go for talent, experience and skill versus someone who may have potential. I apply that same principle to own life….may need to rethink that because I’m still single. Lol
I agree but the majority of black women make bad decisions and when they see a black men with another race y’all quick to say he jumped the fence how do they no the women from another race like them for who they are that means no swagger,maybe they see potential most black women overlook that and when a black men becomes successful and they overlook him with 4 kids by 4 different baby dad’s then they want to pay noitce