Author: Ashley E.
Winter was always one of my favorite seasons until last year. Last winter things had gotten so bad for me that I found myself sitting in front of a therapist hoping she could help me put my life back together. I had been dealing with depression on and off for the past 2 years but it was starting to take a heavy toll on me and prayers and pep talks with friends weren’t helping me cope anymore.
In those two years I experienced a failed relationship, the news of an unexpected health problem, losing my job, and moving to a new unfamiliar state without a plan. A few months into my move I found myself broke, behind on bills and on the verge of having my car repossessed. I just couldn’t figure out how I lost so much control over my life in such a short period of time. If you could rewind my life back three years prior things seemed to be going pretty good for me. I had a second degree under my belt and I was working a job in my field making decent money and just living a normal life for the most part. That was my reality check on how easily your circumstances can change and how your world can get flipped upside down in the blink of an eye.
Every single day for almost a year I would wake up with the thoughts of my problems on my mind and I would carry those thoughts with me throughout the entire day. I felt like I was losing my mind because the thoughts were never ending and they were starting to have an effect on my health. It got to a point where I looked forward to going to sleep because it was the only time I had peace of mind from my problems. I always considered myself to be a strong individual but having to deal with all of those problems at one time caused me to reach my breaking point. I felt like I was failing at life and for the first time I felt inadequate and unimportant. It’s crazy how when it seems like everything is going wrong in your life you forget about everything that is going right and you forget about all of your accomplishments and talents. It really hit me that I needed to seek help when my thoughts started becoming suicidal. The thought of going to sleep and not waking up was becoming a reoccurring thought in my mind.
Going to counseling turned out to be really helpful for me. It wasn’t a quick fix to my problems but my therapist was able to help me re-frame my thoughts and give me a new perspective on my situation. There is still a lot of stigma associated with depression and mental illness and a lot of people don’t see them as major health problems. It’s ironic because our mind is what keeps our entire body in check but we tend to neglect it the most.
I wrote this post because I wanted to share my experience with anyone that might be dealing with depression in hopes that it might let someone out there know they are not alone and that it’s okay to get help. My mom has suffered from clinical depression for years and I always disregarded her situation as something that she can simply control but once it affected me I realized it wasn’t something you could snap out of so easily.
As I continue on my journey to self-love and building a better relationship with myself, I’m constantly making sure my mind, body, and spirit are in tune. A lot of times we give so much of ourselves to other people without taking time out for us. It’s okay to be selfish with your time to take care of yourself and it’s okay to reach out for help when you feel like you’re sinking. Life can get heavy and behind those smiles most of us wear daily we are dealing with internal issues.
First off thank you for being so courageous to share your story. I had my first episode and was diagnosed with Schitzophrenia at the age of 24 and I felt like my life was over. For years I was embarrassed and ashamed because people would say I’m just acting crazy and nothing was really wrong with me. I stopped making music for awhile and was on medication basically excluded myself from the world around me. I felt like I didn’t belong. With the help of a therapist and my mother and grandmother I was able to cope a little better. I started back making music and being more open about my illness. I’m happy to say it’s been nearly 2 years since I’ve had an episode! Thank you again for sharing this though and I’m happy for you and to see all that you’ve accomplished is very inspiring! Triple Salute