The Coldest Winter Ever: My Battle With Depression

Spring is that season (especially in the south) when the weather is warm and beautiful during the day, but at night winter’s chill is still present. That winter chill always takes me back to three years ago when I found myself battling depression.

At that point in my life, things had gotten so bad for that I found myself sitting in front of a therapist hoping she could help piece my broken life back together. One bad experience after another kept piling on top of me until I finally reached my breaking point. Prayers and pep talks with friends weren’t helping me cope anymore. I needed help. Yes… my strong, independent, prideful self needed some help.

I was dealing with a failed relationship, the news of an unexpected health problem, losing my job, and moving to a new unfamiliar state without a plan. A few months into my move I found myself broke, behind on bills, and on the verge of having my car repossessed. I just couldn’t figure out how I got so off track in such a short period.

My social media feeds were torture. I can admit that seeing everyone else around me with seemingly perfect lives made me slightly bitter. I regretted some of the decisions I made in my past that brought me to this point. I questioned my past relationship choices. I questioned my education choices. What did my degrees do for me besides put me in lifelong debt? Where was my six-figure salary? Where was the wedding ring and house that according to society I should have obtained by now? Why was everyone else moving forward in their lives but I was falling so far behind?

Every single day I woke up to these thoughts and problems. I felt like I was losing my mind because the thoughts were never-ending, and they were starting to affect my health. I cried daily, my anxiety increased, and I started experiencing insomnia. I literally could not fall asleep until I saw the sunrise the next day. I even started taking sleeping pills to get my sleep pattern back on track. It got to a point where I looked forward to going to sleep because it was the only time I had peace of mind from my thoughts.

I just felt like I was failing at life and that I had no sense of purpose anymore. It’s crazy how when things seem to be going wrong in your life, you forget about everything that is going right. You forget about everything that you have already accomplished. It hit me that I needed to seek help when my thoughts started to become suicidal. Imagining myself going to sleep and not waking up was becoming a recurring thought in my mind.

I had never considered therapy until that point. Before then my routine was just to pray and look forward to a better day. Being able to sit down with someone with an unbiased opinion to express my feelings and thoughts was very beneficial. It wasn’t a quick fix to my problems, but my therapist was able to help me re-frame my thoughts and give me a new perspective on my situation. There is still a lot of stigma especially in the black community associated with depression and mental illness. Many people still don’t see them as major health concerns. It’s ironic because our mind is what keeps our entire body in check, but we tend to neglect it the most.

When I originally shared this post, the feedback that I received was overwhelming. So many people reached back out to share their similar stories, and some expressed how they just admired my transparency. I didn’t share my experience with an aim; I just wanted to put my story out there to let others know they are not alone and there is absolutely nothing wrong with seeking help. My mom has suffered from clinical depression for years and I always disregarded her situation as something that she can simply control. Once depression affected me I realized it wasn’t something you could snap out of so easily.

 Life is heavy and behind our smiles, most of us are dealing with internal struggles. It’s okay to be selfish with your time to take care of yourself, and it’s okay to reach out for help when you feel like you’re sinking.