relationships – The Double Scoop

TINDER 101

Author: Amy Nicole

I recently moved to Charlotte, North Carolina where I don’t know anyone so I decided to join Tinder. Tinder is known as a hook up site so I definitely wasn’t looking to fall in love; I joined more so to meet new people that could help me get acclimated to the city and to have a little fun.

Well if you’re not familiar with Tinder it’s a dating app mostly used by young professionals in their 20s and early 30s. To use the app you set up a profile and tailor your dating search criteria by selecting your age range and location preference. After you set your preferences you can start seeing dating potentials. If you’re interested in a person you swipe to the right and if you’re not interested you swipe left. If you show an interest in someone who is also interested in you then you would become a match and can start messaging each other. Seems pretty easy right? You would think so but now Tinder has an option where you can link your Instagram account to your dating profile. I had a couple of instances where guys who I didn’t match with tried to slide up in my DMs! LOL you ain’t slick!

After you get matched up with potentials that is when you can start the weaning out process of who is actually looking for a relationship and who is just looking to hook up. I noticed that the guys who actually wrote a bio about themselves were more sincere about wanting to find a relationship. What I also noticed is that if a person messages you first they are genuinely interested in you but if you have to message them first they most likely have plenty of other options to choose from. I avoided guys who had too much to say on their bios, especially the ones who complained about being a good guy always being overlooked. That was an indicator that the issue of them being single was most likely because of them. In all I matched with about 14 guys. Of the 14 guys I went on two dates.

Now the fun part….Date night!

So to keep the guys anonymous I’m going to give them nicknames.

My first date was with “Sergeant of Arms” because he was a military man. Well prior to going on our date we didn’t talk on the phone, we only communicated through texts and Tinder messaging. The night of the date he offered to pick me up from my place. I was skeptical because I didn’t know him but I was new to the city and we both felt it would be more convenient if we rode together. I let him pick me up in front of my building but didn’t tell him my apartment number. I also made sure to send my friends and siblings screen shots of him in case I came up missing. When I saw him in person he wasn’t bad looking but he definitely looked better in his pictures. He was also very cocky and arrogant which is a huge turn off in my book. As soon as I got in the car with him he looked me up and down and said he needed to make sure that I looked the way I did in my pictures. I was annoyed but I brushed it off.

For the first part of our date we went to a chill bar type of restaurant. Our initial conversation felt more like an interview because he pretty much went down his whole list of requirements of what he wanted in a woman. He also explained to me that he was still single because he was very picky. I just sipped my drink and listened. By this point I definitely knew I would not be going on a second date with him. After I had a couple of drinks I started to loosen up and the date started to get better. He was actually a cool guy but not really my type. Later that night we went to play pool. I didn’t really know how to play but he taught me the basics so I had a pretty good time. Overall the date was cool but I didn’t really feel like we were compatible.

My second date was with “The Tattooed Musician”. I had actually talked to him on the phone a few times before we went out so I had a better feel of his personality. The night of our date we met up in the music/art district of town called NADO. He told me that I should some-what dress up so the night of the date I wore a cute and simple day party dress. When I showed up he was dressed very casual so I was a bit annoyed because I didn’t feel like we complimented each other. He also looked very different in person to the point where I would not have recognized him if I would have saw him prior to us actually meeting. The date was cool; we had some drinks and we ate at one of the nearby restaurants. After we finished eating he bought a bottle of Moscato and we went back to his place to watch tv.

I thought we would have watched a movie but instead we watched episodes of Family Guy….. (I will leave it at that). While we were drinking and watching tv I heard someone moving around upstairs. I asked him if he had a roommate and he said he was living with his mom temporarily to save up money for a new tattoo studio. In an effort to not scare me off he explained to me that he and his mom had an agreement that when he had guest over she would stay upstairs or leave the house. (Ummmm that didn’t really help).

But hey I’m not judging, I’ve had to move back in with my parents before too. That information just would have been nice to know prior to me coming over to his place. Overall the date was cool but again just like with the first date the chemistry wasn’t there for me.

Overall Tinder was a decent experience but I realize that online dating just isn’t for me. I don’t think you can get a good feel of a person’s personality through the internet. I would rather stick to meeting someone in person where I can actually talk to them before deciding if I want to exchange numbers or go out on a date.

Dessert and discussion

What do you get when you combine a room full of men and women with music, delicious desserts, alcohol, and engaging conversations about relationships, sex and dating? You get the event Dessert and Discussion curated by Alex Merritt. Dessert and Discussion is a relationship discussion tour that has been hitting different cities over the past several months. The purpose of the tour is to get men and women talking about relationships so they can learn different perspectives from the opposite sex.

I was invited to be a featured blogger for the tour stop in Charlotte and I definitely enjoyed myself! The event was held at Red@28^th Hookah Lounge. The guests were seated in a small, private area in the back of the lounge which made the setting more intimate. Before the discussion began guests were entertained by DJ Strategy and were treated to plenty of tasty desserts and drinks. The crowd was grown and sexy; I would estimate that most of the people in attendance were in their late 20s to early 40s which was a good age range to get various perspectives from both sexes.

The conversation began with everyone going around the room and introducing themselves. Alex requested that everyone create a hashtag that described their dating life which made the mood more relaxed and fun. My hashtag was #DatingAndHavingFun. The variation in hashtag names pretty much led into the relationship discussion because of course you would want to know why people selected certain names. Some of the hashtags varied from #SingleForLife to #AllTheGoodOnesAreGone. It was too funny.

Some of the topics that were discussed included: how do you know when a person wants to get exclusive, sex on the first date, and having multiple dating partners. Men and women passed the microphone back and forth giving their input on each topic. I get shy in big groups of people so I pretty much just observed and listened to the conversations. It was very interesting to hear how men and women perspectives differed on certain topics. The conversation went on for about an hour ½ and afterwards the DJ took over so that everyone could mingle.

image1 (1) — Me with fellow blogger Brittany with The Buzz With B.

After the event was over I caught up with Alex for a brief interview to get more details about how she came up with the idea for the tour.

dd5 — Me with the lovely host and event creator Alex Merritt.

Amy Nicole: So you’ve been doing Dessert and Discussion for about 7 years now. How did you come up with the idea for it?

Alex: Literally I wanted to get people over my house to discuss a DVD and I didn’t want to cook! I wanted to get men and women’s opinion about this DVD that I had watched and I wanted to know if men saw women the way that this video portrayed us.

Amy Nicole: What was the DVD about?

Alex: The DVD was called “Diary Of A Tired Black Man” which was about a black man’s struggle in the dating game. I had just moved to California and I expected it to be like a one hour thing but it ended up lasting to 1:00 in the morning. After it was over I would run into people in the street and they would ask me when the next one was.

Amy Nicole: How many cities have you toured so far?

Alex: We have been in Chicago, St. Louis, Minneapolis, we’re here in Charlotte now, and then we’re back to Sacramento where it all started. This has been going on for the past six months and in the fall when it’s time to relaunch again we plan to do another six months. Everybody needs this because most of us haven’t been taught how to do relationships. Most of our family examples weren’t even good models. This is a way to learn and get feedback.

Amy Nicole: Well I definitely learned a lot from the men tonight! How has the response been in other cities?

Alex: It has been great. Everyone is looking for a place to get their questions asked about love, sex and relationships.

Amy Nicole: So how can people get in contact with you for booking?

Alex: Dessertanddisccusion.com and alex@dessertanddiscussion.com

It was great meeting Alex; she was such a fun and vibrant host! I really enjoyed myself at Dessert and Discussion and I would definitely encourage anyone looking for relationship advice and a good time to check out the tour if it comes through your city!

Not Settling Or Being Too Picky?

Author: Amy Nicole

I’ve been told two scenarios when it comes to being in a relationship and getting married. One scenario is that dating and marriage aren’t about love but about what you can deal with in another person. The other is that marriage is too hard to just settle because you have to really love someone to be able to put up with his/her flaws.

I haven’t been in a relationship in a while but I do date, and I’ve been told by some people that the reason I’m still single is probably because I’m too picky. Don’t get me wrong I do want a nice guy but if I’m going to commit to a person I want it to be with someone who I really like and who excites me.

I wanted to get other people’s opinions on what they thought the difference between being too picky and settling was so I asked a few people on social media. Here are a few responses that I received:

Being picky is focusing on physical things like height, weight, appearance, good teeth, etc and also on what monetary things the person possesses like cars, money, house, etc. Some of the things are ok, like if you have a thing for teeth then by all means find a man with straight teeth, but if all your qualifications are about the physical appearance or monetary possessions then you are being too picky.

People settle for a number of reasons: they don’t want to be alone, would rather have a piece of a man than none at all, don’t want to start over, comfort, sex, being afraid they won’t find better, etc.

Misplaced priorities…..They find things they feel are important & put up with the rest.

“Settling” enables the belief that one is “too good” for another when it’s really just about preferences & matching them.

Most people agreed that being “too picky” is when you focus more on physical and materialistic qualities like looks and money and “not settling” is when you refuse to commit to someone whose lifestyle or personality doesn’t benefit your own in a positive way.

Some may ask what’s wrong with wanting the type of person that you want to be with even if the qualities are very shallow. I can’t argue with that, but like I’ve always been told you need to be the type of person that you are looking for. If you want someone who is sexy, rich, and has a nice body then you need to make sure that you have those same characteristics. Like the saying goes “don’t be a penny looking for a dime”! One important fact that most people should realize is that you are never going to find someone who is perfect. Maybe I’m being naïve to believe that true love still exists, but when it comes to me committing the rest of my life with someone you better believe that I’m going to make sure that I am capable of loving that person unconditionally and for him to be able to do the same for me.

Photo Credit: The Libertarian Republic

SEXLESS

When I tell guys that I’m abstinent the most common response that I receive is, “How do you do it!?” No, I’m not a virgin but believe it or not sex is something that I really don’t have a strong desire for. To be quite honest a large part of it is due to the fact that I’ve never just had great sex! When I talk to other women about my lack of good sex they look at me in pity. The most common response that I receive is, “Girl I feel so bad for you! I love sex!” Men on the other hand take my predicament as a challenge in hopes of being the guy that will make me change my mind.

I’ve gone months, even years without having sex and when I finally give in to the temptation the experience just isn’t worth it and the moment isn’t very memorable. One issue that I might be having is that most of my sexual experiences have been more on the casual side. Not that I’m going around having one night stands, but I haven’t been in a relationship in a while so most of the guys that I end up having sex with are just guys that I’m randomly dating. The older that I get I’m definitely realizing that I’m not a casual sex type of person. I know most guys can have sex with a woman and forget about her the next day, but with me I feel like if I’m having sex with you I’m giving you a part of me and that’s not something I want to share so freely.

I spoke with a lot of guys regarding the subject of sex and the consensus of most men under the age of 40 is that sex is definitely a deal breaker in a relationship. When I asked guys if they would date a female who was choosing to be abstinent most either said no or that they would date her but would definitely be getting sex from someone else on the side.

When I asked women how important sex is in a relationship most of them said it was important but that they were willing to compromise having great sex in exchange for a great guy with a good personality. Most women who are in a good relationship said that they have faked having an orgasm to stroke their man’s ego.

I’m not saying that I’m going to wait until I get married to have sex again but I do want to have a deep connection with the next person. Some people might call it old fashioned but to me it simplifies things so much. Sex in a way complicates relationships because it makes you feel like you are so attached to this person but in reality you are really not. From a biblical perspective when you have sex with someone it causes a soul tie which makes it hard to break away from them. A perfect example of this are couples who fight all the time but they stay together because the sex is good.

My advice to any single person practicing abstinence is to set your boundaries. If you tell a person you’re abstinent and they still try to pursue you sexually you should cut that relationship off immediately because they obviously don’t respect you. You can tell when a person is genuinely interested in you because they will actually take the time to get to know you without rushing things. Also don’t let people intimidate you. I’ve been told by other women that the right man may not wait around for me but I believe if a person is right for you, you won’t have to compromise your morals or standards to be with them.

Photo Credit: HuffPost

THE SINGLE LIFE

Most single women 25 or older can relate to the overwhelming pressure by society to find a husband or settle down. In the web series “The Single Life” written and directed by Atlanta native Qulanda R. Moore, three young women approaching 30 try to navigate the dating scene in Atlanta Georgia.

The series is hilarious and relatable and definitely reveals many of the scenarios that most single women go through. The show centers around three friends; Angela, Tisha and Raven who are all involved in different types of relationships. Raven is involved in a purely sex driven relationship with an ex-boyfriend who she obviously still has feelings for. Tisha is involved in an interracial relationship with her live in boyfriend but struggles with trusting him and believes that he is getting wife privileges with a boyfriend status. Then you have Angela who seems to be a bit on the naïve side and falls too quickly for guys who seem to only want her goods.

Although the show is comedic it also touches on some very serious storylines that many single women can relate to including the tendency to settle for men who we know aren’t good for us due to the need for companionship.

If you haven’t seen the series yet you are definitely missing out on a great show! Season 2 of the “The Single Life” is currently in post production and the cast and crew are now seeking contributions through Indiegogo Crowd Funding to help wrap the project.

Check out season one here.

In Search of the Black Knight

Author: The Double Scoop

Is there such a thing as a perfect guy? Is there a shortage of good black men? Do black women have unrealistic standards and expectations when it comes to dating and marriage? Director Tamarat Makonnen attempts to answer these questions in his latest documentary “In Search of the Black Knight”. The documentary humorously addresses relationship topics that many young, professional African American women face today regarding black men. The film follows Makonnen as he travels to several states interviewing women and men who gave their opinion on the topic of there being a shortage of eligible black men.

Continue reading “In Search of the Black Knight”

What’s Love Got To Do With It?

Author: Ashley E.

Who wants that perfect love story anyway?………………………… I think most people whether they want to admit it or not long to experience love with another person. We want to find our better half, a companion, someone to experience the highs and lows of life with, and someone that will bring us more happiness. But what exactly is love? Is love a feeling, a choice, or an action? Is it a combination of the three? How much does love play a part in making a relationship or marriage last? Love is just a four letter word but it has so much depth. I reached out to several men and women to get their opinions on love. Some were married, single, in relationships, divorced and remarried so they all offered diverse and interesting perspectives.

I had a conversation with a coworker a few months ago about what it meant to love another person and he told me the only woman he truly loved was his ex-girlfriend. I asked him why he loved her and he started listing things that she did for him like cooking, cleaning, giving him massages and bathing him. Oh and mind you, her English was limited so she barely communicated; he did the majority of the talking in the relationship. I couldn’t help but laugh and question whether he actually loved her or did he love what she was doing for him. The men that I cared about the most in my life were the ones that did the least for me in terms of giving me material things. I was more drawn to personality, the connection, communication, and how they made me feel or what they brought out of me. The majority of the people I interviewed agreed that what a person did for them was only a small measure of why they loved someone. They agreed that what a person did was more of an expression of their love and a way to show they cared. I guess you have to ask yourself if a person stopped doing certain “tangible” things would the love remain.

“I think the things you do is more so the expression of love. I don’t think you can rely only on what someone does for you to tell if they love you though. But it’s a good way to show you care.” ~JD

I think most people including myself think or at one point thought of love and marriage as having butterflies, passion, and being on an endless high. For some people love might be those things, but how long will that sustain a marriage or a relationship? What happens when that wears off? What happens when the relationship hits a roadblock? I remember having a conversation with a friend about not having passion in a relationship. We were both talking about the men we were dating at the time and I told her I wasn’t crazy about the guy that I was dating. I complained about how he annoyed me the majority of the time, how we didn’t have a deep connection or strong communication but on the contrary he was a good person and he treated me right. She told me in the past she based choosing a potential man off of those same factors but found that most of the men she felt “passionate” about were not right for her or didn’t feel the same way about her. My relationship ended a few months later and the guy she was dating at that time ended up proposing a week after our conversation. That was the first time I questioned if my idea of love was unrealistic.

“In dating people put too much emphasis on how someone makes them feel and generally the good long term relationships aren’t based on how someone makes you feel because feelings change daily or even minute by minute.” ~DG

“Butterflies in your stomach ain’t go pay the bills. Yea it’s cute in the beginning but it’s not sustaining. I wouldn’t say I tolerate my husband’s flaws… I don’t really see his flaws because what one may consider his flaws is what I love about him. Diamonds have flaws but they are still beautiful.” ~AS

I think many people imagine a special person walking into their life who will complement their personality so well that they will be perfect together. The truth of the matter is that love sometimes doesn’t happen instantly; it tends to develop over time. Everyone you meet is going to have flaws but being able to accept or look past a person’s flaws and love them despite is the key. In my mind the perfect guy for me would be a combination of Lance Gross, Morris Chestnut, Idris Elba, Hill Harper, Michael Ealy, Malcom X, Don Cheadle, Jamie Foxx, Big Krit, Denzel Washington and the list goes on. I’m fully aware that I will not meet a man that will have every single quality that I desire, and I know I won’t have every quality that some men might desire. I don’t think anyone should settle when it comes to love but at the same time you need to have realistic expectations. Television tends to glamorize love, marriage, and relationships without acknowledging the hard work that goes on behind the scenes to make it work. From the feedback I received from the married individuals I learned that your heart isn’t going to skip a beat every time you see that other person and you can’t let how you feel define the relationship because feelings change constantly.

“Having been married before, I would say that no one should expect perfection. Marriage is about a relationship, respect, responsibility, and ultimately building a life with someone. The person you will marry will not be perfect, but you also need to accept that you’re not going to be perfect either. Accept that both of you will have flaws but that’s why communication is so important in a relationship as well” ~DR

My parents have been married over 30 years and I know without a doubt love is not what kept them together all of these years. They are two people that chose to stay committed to one another throughout the ups and downs of their relationship. I do want to get married one day but at the same time I fear marriage. I fear not being a good wife, I fear falling out of love, I fear not knowing how to be fully committed to another person, I fear losing myself in another person, and I fear the marriage failing. Love is a gamble and relationships and marriage require 2 committed people to make it work. I think people get excited about the idea of marriage not fully comprehending how much goes into making a marriage work. I learned from the people I interviewed that love alone is not enough to make a relationship last. It takes sacrifice, commitment, compromise, and being unselfish.

“Marriage is a business. Has to be based off love but it’s a real deal commitment and a lot of people underestimate it.“ ~EW

“If you can still love someone despite their flaws & that love is reciprocated despite your flaws your well on your way to a long term relationship and possibly marriage. If your only basing the relationship on love alone, you may be in for a setback. Respect, loyalty, honesty & more should also be attributes to a relationship or marriage” ~RH

“It’s about balance. No one is perfect. I say that with respect to having flaws. It’s about being complementary. We are people, not robots. No one is exactly alike, so really a flaw isn’t necessarily a flaw. It’s just a way of how someone may identify themselves.” ~UO

This article was also featured in Inspire Magazine and on Confessions of An Ambitious Girl

Is Cheating Inevitable?

Author: Ashley E.

When most people think about what it means to cheat in a relationship, they automatically think about having sex with another person outside of their relationship. But cheating is so much more than just sex. Have you ever made a strong connection with another person outside of the relationship with your significant other? What if the connection became so strong that it got to a point where you thought about the other person frequently and started to develop feelings? A lot of people say they have control over how far they will allow a situation to go, but eventually after spending so much time with another person that you are attracted to and have a connection, emotions tend to get involved. Developing a strong emotional relationship with another person is just as much cheating as having a sexual relationship with that person.

Cheating is such a multi-dimensional topic so I decided to call up several of my female and male friends to get their perspectives on cheating. While talking to each of them I noticed that the females cheated more when an emotional connection was lacking and they were more accepting of their men cheating. Most of the men told me they cheated based on the act of sex alone; the opportunity to sleep with a new woman and there didn’t have to be an emotional connection involved. But there was also a double standard because the men were less forgiving if their woman cheated. Men can cheat multiple times, but if they find out their woman has stepped out once, it’s harder for them to handle it. A lot of the guys told me that cheating, or sex, is a phase that men go through until they get it out of their systems. Some told me they cheat because it’s in their nature.

In relationships it comes down to what people will allow. Some women say they know their men are cheating and don’t mind sticking with them throughout that “phase.” Some women say it’s okay for their men to cheat as long as he respects her enough not to let them find out. Some women are just so in love with their men that they accept the cheating even though it hurts them. And the same could go for men who are cheated on by their women.

For the people that feel that cheating isn’t that big of a deal and that it’s bound to happen, keep doing what you’re doing. For those who are hurt that the person they love or care about is constantly cheating, you might want to reevaluate your relationship. Love shouldn’t hurt and if the person knows that the cheating is causing you pain than maybe that person isn’t right for you. Ultimately, being faithful to someone shouldn’t be that difficult in my opinion. Once in the right relationship, not cheating should be simple. Cheating starts with a thought. Unconsciously I think we all cheat, but the difference is whether or not we act on the thought. Next time the thought arises, ask yourself, is cheating worth risking the relationship that you’ve established with this person that you love or care about?

This article was also featured in Inspire Magazine.